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They fulfilled and often still continue to fill this role even when they’re long into adulthood because they want to do their part and ‘help out’. Over-responsible people are often the eldest or an only child, but wherever they fall in the family, they assumed a role within it which they felt was their ‘job’. They do what are often good things but for the wrong reasons and it’s because, like me, they didn’t/don’t know any different. They are people pleasers who suppress and repress themselves to prioritise others and also to minimise or eliminate conflict, criticism, rejection, disappointment and loss. Whether trained or self-taught earlier in life, they’ve learned to be responsible for other people’s feelings, opinions, behaviour, needs, expectations and desires. Many of the people who struggle to forge and sustain healthy relationships, or have confidence issues at work, and/or grapple with feelings of low self-worth, are over-responsible. I learned that it’s my job to make people happy and that if I can do that, then I will be allowed to be happy. Experience taught me that I could be in trouble or be the cause of an issue, even if I wasn’t there or had nothing to do with it. I felt it best to not be too good at anything and instinctively blamed myself for other people’s everything. Being told that me being “pretty” and “too bright” caused problems multiplied my shame. By the time I started school, I understood that it was my job to be a mind-reader and that I must try to be as pleasing as possible even if it hurt. I can feel the tension shift in the air without seeing or hearing what’s going on.

Thanks to family who like to carry on as if they’re in an episode of Dallas/Dynasty/Sons & Daughters/Falcon Crest, I know how to read a room. I’ve hung back and dimmed my light so that my brother and then others could shine and they wouldn’t feel the need to reject or abandon me for taking up too much space or making them feel inferior in some way. I’ve felt that I have to be strong and so avoid showing ‘weakness’ by asking for help, expressing needs or sharing my feelings. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been over-responsible.